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I don’t know what to do anymore. There is a strong force of disappointment constantly attacking me. Disappointment from eating that triple chocolate cookie a few hours ago. Disappointment from eating the plethora of carbs from the plate of pasta at dinner. The emotional calamity is overbearing. I feel completely weak, and defeated by my temptations. It almost like whatever is put inside of me, wears me down physically. All the food ingested sits heavily at my stomach and weighs me down, conquers my body. Automatically it takes more control over my body than my mind does. And I’ll take a look in the mirror and won’t even witness the beauty that apparently lies before me. Because all I can see is what is physically left of me, the meat on my bones, the fat packed on my muscles, constructed and formed together by the corrupt menu that I ingest daily. It is gut wrenching and absolutely unbearable to know that I have trapped something inside of me that is irreversible. In simpler terms… I loathe my body.
Almost every person around me agrees that I am extremely fit. They say they wished they looked like me. They say they wished they have the motivation that I have. And I am obligated to understand and accept their compliments without arguing because my lifestyle is revolved around fitness. I go to the gym almost daily, I run everyday, lift weights every other day, but not only the physical fixation with fitness, the mental fixation with fitness. I could be walking and I could feel like my footsteps are too heavy and it makes me feel fat. I could be sitting down and if I feel a roll develop I will feel completely fat. Everything I put inside of me I am aware that it will make me feel fat, and along the line, make me look fat. I constantly force my parents to buy weight-loss foods and restrict anything fattening or with too much carbs. The mirror focuses on nothing but the size of my body. And the scale focuses on everything but the beauty of my body. Like I said, my lifestyle is revolved around fitness, obviously. Therefore I am expected to keep my mouth quiet and avoid conflict when someone compliments my ‘healthy body’. The problem is I don’t believe it. I never do. What they believe is what they see over a screen. And what is beneath that screen is a girl in a bikini who had a ‘good stomach day’ because she was starved and felt good about how she looked at that moment. 99% of the time I don’t feel that way.
Sometimes I feel like the motivation I have that others don’t is not necessarily a good thing. Motivation helps measure the level of importance something is to you. The more something is important to you the more you strive to accomplish the goal. And why must my body be at the top of this list. Motivation? More like… obsession. The worst part is, it is a failed obsession. Because I am not satisfied with what I’m doing. I still don’t eat what I should be eating, I binge an unbelievable amount of food. I still don’t exercise as much as i’d like to. Yet I am mentally fixated, obsessed with my weight. I don’t know when confidence will hit me. I fear it never will and I’ll continue along this long road of constant disappointment. But I can’t imagine how it would feel if everyday was just like those days where I am confident enough to reveal my body to the world, because it feels absolutely liberating.
sakthisurya said: Hey, I think the post of yours about "change" and "friendship" is really true. and I'm going under a similar situation and i'm not able to decide what to do at all. i'm very much worried. could you lend me your ears and try help me? D: if you really wish to assist me reply me.... i'm waiting for your reply. ):
I hope this isn’t too late! I havent been on this account in a long while :( do you still need my assistance? I would love to help out!
I have done it again,
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there is no one else to blame.
I remember when I was a kid
I would see those rainbow gasoline puddles.
And I would stare at them hours upon hours. In complete awe.
It was like there was something special about it, a greater meaning to it, and it made me very happy.
As a kid you look at everything that way. I guess thats why we were always so happy. Because everything we see is special. Everything we see is extravagant.
It’s very sad to see how bitter you become. I walk by those puddles now and don’t pay attention to them. It’s just a gasoline spill. No significance to my busy life. I find that I have more important things to worry about now, a colourful spill is not worth my time.
Sometimes when you’ve seen something several times, and you learn the truth behind what it really is, you no longer appreciate it or find satisfaction in it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is.. When you grow up
You see bullshit in everything, because you learn the truth about everything. And not only those gasoline spills. You learn the truth about people, about society, about life. We find negativity in everything.
We grow to become so bitter.
I have a pressing urge to die. I just don’t want to exist. I would never kill myself. I’m just lacking so much satisfaction in my life. I am just exhausted from feeling like I don’t belong. No one even knows this, or the seriousness of it at least.
It’s hard to express to people what I’m feeling. People always ask “What happened? Whats wrong?” The problem is… I’m asking myself the exact same question. I’ve been trying so hard to find an answer everyday. But what people fail to understand is sometimes those questions are irrelevant.
Sometimes those dark feelings are a part of you, and will forever lurk within you. Sometimes it’s something you just can’t control no matter how great of advice you are given.
Sometimes you can follow commands because you simply don’t know how.
“You just need to find confidence in yourself.”
“You need to try harder to be a happy person.”
“Don’t think negative thoughts, don’t cry, don’t soak in your misery, it doesn’t make matters any better.”
But, I just don’t know how.
I wish it was that simple, with a snap of my fingers I could feel like I’m alive in this world.
But that’s not reality.