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I have done it again,
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there is no one else to blame.
I remember when I was a kid
I would see those rainbow gasoline puddles.
And I would stare at them hours upon hours. In complete awe.
It was like there was something special about it, a greater meaning to it, and it made me very happy.
As a kid you look at everything that way. I guess thats why we were always so happy. Because everything we see is special. Everything we see is extravagant.
It’s very sad to see how bitter you become. I walk by those puddles now and don’t pay attention to them. It’s just a gasoline spill. No significance to my busy life. I find that I have more important things to worry about now, a colourful spill is not worth my time.
Sometimes when you’ve seen something several times, and you learn the truth behind what it really is, you no longer appreciate it or find satisfaction in it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is.. When you grow up
You see bullshit in everything, because you learn the truth about everything. And not only those gasoline spills. You learn the truth about people, about society, about life. We find negativity in everything.
We grow to become so bitter.
I have a pressing urge to die. I just don’t want to exist. I would never kill myself. I’m just lacking so much satisfaction in my life. I am just exhausted from feeling like I don’t belong. No one even knows this, or the seriousness of it at least.
It’s hard to express to people what I’m feeling. People always ask “What happened? Whats wrong?” The problem is… I’m asking myself the exact same question. I’ve been trying so hard to find an answer everyday. But what people fail to understand is sometimes those questions are irrelevant.
Sometimes those dark feelings are a part of you, and will forever lurk within you. Sometimes it’s something you just can’t control no matter how great of advice you are given.
Sometimes you can follow commands because you simply don’t know how.
“You just need to find confidence in yourself.”
“You need to try harder to be a happy person.”
“Don’t think negative thoughts, don’t cry, don’t soak in your misery, it doesn’t make matters any better.”
But, I just don’t know how.
I wish it was that simple, with a snap of my fingers I could feel like I’m alive in this world.
But that’s not reality.